I Can’t Save You

When it comes to the whole Ken Fisher saga, I don’t have skin in this game other than the desire to see my profession become a better, more inclusive, tolerant and welcoming community for everyone. I’m a white male in an industry dominated by mostly older white men. How can I claim to know what it feels like to be excluded? I can’t pretend to understand what that’s like at an emotional level, and I’m starting to believe that I never will.

I have a tendency to harbor other people’s feelings and, without success, attempt to rationally find reasons or answers to their problems. I fool myself into thinking I can solve them in one conversation. While I’m told by those that love me that my heart is in the right place, I am quickly informed that my delivery, if not objective, is a bit problematic. That despite having good intentions, my words and actions aren’t what’s ultimately going to make things better. I then get frustrated and angry at myself for thinking I could be a savior when what I really need to be is an ally.

My wife has been observing the Ken Fisher story unfold through me, and during one of our many conversations on the topic, I told her that I didn’t understand why a woman couldn’t have posted a video the way Alex Chalekian did after bearing witness to Ken’s unacceptable behavior. She replied with one word, “Exactly.”

It was an answer that made me both uncomfortable and insecure to the point of turning our civil discussion into a full-blown argument. I tried to convey that I would defend that person, and that those like me of similar like mindedness would rally around them in support. Smirking while shaking her head in disagreement, she told me that I still didn’t get it. I was mad, but instead of continuing to fight with her, I stopped talking and started listening, hoping I could start to understand.

She went on to explain that in order for a woman to do what Alex did, she may have needed to go as far as aggregating similar accounts from other women and anonymously reporting them as to avoid retribution and retaliation from people like her employer, colleagues, professional community and, sadly, other women. Hearing this only made me more frustrated, but she’s right. There’s no question I’d have far less problems opening my mouth, while a woman like her would run the very real risk of being dragged through the mud for doing so. Even me writing this blog post is an example of that privilege. I can only imagine the risks both Soyna Dreizler and Rachel Robasciotti took to corroborate Alex’s video and speak out.

In order to be an ally, I’m learning that my actions will likely go unnoticed, except by those who want my support. I’m realizing that it may never be my place to sound off on certain issues despite how upset I am for someone else’s affliction. Instead, I need to slow down, listen and learn about the issues from those with actual skin in the game. It requires me to be open minded and capable of confronting my own biases and prejudices no matter how uncomfortable they make me feel. Above all else, it means treating everyone with the decency and respect they deserve.

Truthfully, much of this continues to confuse and frustrate me because it goes against my conditioning and desire to be the one to fix things for other people. It’s hard for me to admit that what I thought was one of my more endearing qualities is actually one of my foibles. But if getting uncomfortable is what it takes to help make my profession a better place and support the people that face risks or challenges I may never fully understand or face myself, I think it’s a small price to pay.

Anyone in my position is entitled to approach this topic in the way that suits them, but I’ve decided to go against the grain of my existence by focusing on being an ally instead of a savior. This problem, and others like it, might not be mine to solve, but I can support those trying by checking in with my colleagues on the front lines, mentoring young advisors of all backgrounds, continuing to offer paid family leave to my employees and donating my time, money and energy to causes that better our profession and the world around us.

If you would like to set off on your own path to becoming an ally, especially for those working in the financial services profession, I highly recommend you start by reading Sonya Dreizler’s “Do Better” series over on her blog.

Come share and express your love for Twitter over on…err…Twitter.

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