Over the weekend my wife shared an article with me from Harper’s BAZAAR titled “Men Have No Friends and Women Bear the Burden” by Melanie Hamlett. It’s a stellar examination of the emotional lives of men if not masculinity itself. It details why so many men are terrible at making friends, expressing themselves to other men and why we believe that women are the only people we can turn to for emotional support.
For me, the article really hit home. Since leaving for the suburbs two and a half years ago, I’ve done a dismal job keeping in touch with my friends back in the city and from my home state of Florida. These are people I’ve known since college and childhood. “It’s not like they call me either,” is the excuse I give myself to ignore my feelings and pour over my work, clients and family instead. Speaking of feelings, I have my wife to talk to if I feel like *expressing* myself.
But as the article points out, this is exactly the sort of emotional burden that men place on women. We need them to be our “best friend, lover, career advisor, stylist, social secretary, emotional cheerleader” and much, much more. It’s true in my life. I rely on my wife to be most of these things while she manages to have a life and career of her own. It’s no wonder she’s exhausted. If I keep it up, I’m sure she will just resent me for placing all my emotional needs squarely on her shoulders.
Lucky for me, however, my wife’s efforts to build a network of local moms has forced me to interact with local dads. As a result, I’ve found myself part of small a group of men I consider my friends. Some, I’d even consider *good* friends. I know we’re friends because my wife tells me how the other dads feel about me through her conversations with their wives. That’s right, the wives are on four different group texts emoting freely, declaring instant bestie status while us men can’t even so much as discuss a growing friendship between one another. Pathetic.
Last month, after putting the kids to sleep, the consortium of dads met for some drinks at a local bar. Something deeply personal had been bothering me from earlier in the day and I hadn’t yet found the time to share it with my wife. So, while nursing my Yuengling, I brought up the issue with a few of the guys in the group. Instead of making jokes at my expense, I was heard. Instead of diminishing my feelings, I was given sympathy and another round of beer. It was a watershed moment.
I went home early and finally shared with my wife what had been bothering me from earlier in the day. However, instead of dumping my feelings on her as I would normally do, I communicated how I felt having already processed them over drinks with my friends. It was a refreshing and welcoming change for the both of us. We saved precious time and energy that night, which was much needed given that one of us would be up in a few hours to feed the newborn.
At the end of the article, one of the men interviewed had this to say about men’s emotional reliance on women, “It’s really not healthy to have all your chips in one container with anyone.” How serendipitous to find a line about diversification as I attempt to link emotional competence (or lack thereof) to the realm of personal finance and what financial planning professionals do for a living.
As I continue open up more to my new friends, I can’t help but to think about my male clients who struggle, like me, to communicate their feelings with anyone but their significant other. Since much of what I do as a financial planner already involves what I call *emotion management*, it makes sense to become a confidant to my clients who are in need of one. Besides, I wouldn’t be all that surprised to find my female colleagues already, if not instinctively, doing the same for their clients.
Tell us how your really feel. No, seriously. Tell us how you feel!
Girls will declare best friend status within 20 minutes of meeting one another via group text.
Guys struggle to simply say hello to one another in person.
Story of my life.
— Douglas A. Boneparth (@dougboneparth) May 12, 2019