One of the more interesting parts of being a financial advisor is dealing with how my friends view me. To some of them, I am a nothing more than a broker or insurance agent looking to make a sale. And they’re not wrong for feeling this way, since there’s a good chance they’ve been hassled by one in the past. Therefore, no matter how delicate the approach, it’s an uphill battle when trying to share my profession without also sounding like I am soliciting my services.
This is why many advisors choose to not work with their friends. And I can respect that, because the second money starts changing hands, the waters can get muddy. I’ve been an advisor long enough to have this play out with my friends through various stages in our lives. From being a bewildered college graduate to the new young family in town, I have — for better or for worse — chosen to work with my friends. And while I’ve had more success than not, I’ve rarely addressed these uncomfortable truths. So, let’s give it a try in a letter.
Dear Friend,
For what it’s worth, I was misled by my predecessors; fooled into believing that I should rely on our friendship as a primary source for business. Maybe you allowed me to shamelessly “pitch” my services or rant about the importance of financial planning. But these predecessors were wrong, and more importantly, I was wrong for allowing my own fear of failure to cloud what I knew in my heart wasn’t good for our relationship. When I started out, we were just scared, young and immature kids trying our best to find purpose in the world. The last thing you needed was me reminding you that we were lost, and that somehow, consulting with me was your best way to fix it.
To the friends I lost early on, I want you to know that you’ve given me some of the best learning lessons of my career. While I risked — and in some cases ruined — everything, you’ve ultimately shown me what not to be. I’m aware that my eagerness to help may have come off as intrusive and placed you in an awkward and untenable position. I wish I had the confidence I have today back then. I’m sorry if I pushed you away.
To the friends who’ve watched me grow over the years, I want you to know it’s okay if we never work together. I now have no expectations we will. I understand that not all people, including the people closest to me, want to share every detail of their lives. I respect your desire to keep things private in order to preserve our friendship.
I’ve seen how difficult it is to discuss deeply personal issues like: receiving financial assistance from family members; wrestling with the heartache of infertility; having personal disagreements with your spouse; and feeling insecure about your income. While I’d never judge you, I’d much rather we only be friends than have you feel on display or at worst, feel embarrassed. I’d rather support you personally despite knowing I can offer you even more professionally. It won’t ever become “complicated,” because I see how mixing business with pleasure is no easy task, and not every friendship can bear that load.
To the new friends I’ve made since leaving New York City, I want you to know that, above all else, I am your friend. The guy you see in the news is no different than the guy that just came to your child’s birthday party and ate all the extra pizza and cake (sorry about that). I don’t expect your business but at the same time, I want you to know that it’s okay to talk to me should you ever be interested in learning more about what I do. I take pleasure in helping those that I already care about, and it’s one the reasons I am so passionate about being an advisor. But once for the record, I am not — ever — going to solicit you.
And to the friends who are my clients today, I want you to know you mean the world to me. I’ll always give you my best, and I will never take our unique relationship for granted. To be able to grow alongside of you is a feeling that’s hard for me to put into words. Much of my outlook on our generation, the struggles we face, and the solutions we have come directly from the moments we’ve shared together. I’ll try my hardest to navigate delicate situations that arise in your life with the technical skill of being your advisor and the compassion of being your friend.
Lastly, I want to express gratitude to you. Whether we’re friends today or were at some point in time, I could not have built a career without you. Thank you for allowing me to find my footing. Thanks for it all.
Sincerely,
Douglas
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Name a cartoon character that accurately portrays the stock market.
— Douglas A. Boneparth (@dougboneparth) February 23, 2019