A few years back, shortly after Hazel was born, my parents got divorced after 35 years of marriage. Over the weekend, I FaceTimed with my mother in Florida to walk through my childhood room and decide which sacred possessions from my past I’d like to have shipped to me as she has decided to say goodbye to the home I grew up in. She’s realized that maintaining a home all by herself is more trouble than it’s worth and, with retirement just a few years away, simplifying her life is the way to go.
Unfortunately, outside of my own marriage, I’ve successfully failed to share or process the majority my feelings regarding my parents’ divorce. I’ve consistently brushed it off with the rationale of being an adult mature enough to understand why it happened coupled with being too busy with my own life and family to get involved with something that will only make me feel terrible and rob me of my time and energy. Yet, deep down, I know I am doing nothing more than putting off something that needs to be addressed. I’m allowing strong feelings towards the people I love most to fester into resentment. No bueno.
After literally cleaning out my closet via video conference, I figured now is the time to clean out the figurative closet within me. To accomplish this, I’ll need a plan because when it comes to mending matters of the heart, or any complex problem for that matter, a “shooting from the hip” approach will likely lead to cardiac arrest than a return to stable condition.
Solving complex problems requires detailed organization. To help, I’ll start with 5WH. That’s asking “who”, “what”, “where”, “when”, “why” and “how?”
Who?
My parents, obviously, but what about all the other people in my life who can support me in my mission to improve my eroding parent-child relationship? I’ve already revealed how my wife (also a child of divorce) has been very helpful, but can’t I can also call upon the aid of my friends, clients, colleagues and mentors to provide further perspective, comfort or support? I will not only find a great deal of comfort by leaning on them and their own experiences, but I will also deepen my existing relationships by allowing them further into my life.
Let’s not forget that outside of my immediate circles are a myriad of service professionals trained in specifically helping folks with their problems. These are your doctors, therapists, consultants, counselors and trainers. Their academic and professional guidance can sharpen your problem solving skills by establishing parameters in which to execute actual problem solving. They can lend or equip you with tools that you don’t have or yet posses. I’ll likely be tapping a therapist for their expertise on my particular issue.
What?
Simply saying my feelings are hurt or that I’m sad might garner sympathy and attention, but if I don’t know what I want for myself, I’m not going to get too far in any one conversation no matter how heartfelt my words are. Yes, I want a better relationship with my mom and dad, but what does that even look like? I’m over a thousand miles away living a different life. What do I need from them and what do they need from me to effectuate this healing process? What expectations do we need to set to ensure that we’re on track for achieving a mutual goal? What if they don’t want what I want? What do I do then?
Where?
Ultimately, I will need to convey my thoughts, feelings and expectations. Where will I do this? Given its importance to me, I might have to fly down south to conduct this in person. Perhaps I can leverage technology to close the distance between us while not losing the significance of looking them in their eyes. Or it could very well be that my initial communications aren’t face-to-face at all. Maybe the most effective and meaningful way to engage is through writing. Location extends beyond just where I will communicate with my parents, but also where I will need to go to access the resources necessary to complete the task at hand.
When?
Timing is everything, which is why part of my rationale for avoiding these issues is because I didn’t want to insert myself into a situation that was relatively new. Despite it being almost three years since their divorce, everyone’s wounds are still scabbing over. Healing doesn’t happen overnight. Further, by entering a type of survival mode, my parents seem to be searching for new meanings to their lives post-marriage. That’s big. Who am I to inject my own personal issues with them and their relationship with one another at this point in time? Everyone deserves to be happy, but I’ve realized I can’t keep kicking the can down the road.
On a granular level, understanding when to engage means knowing when they are going to be most receptive to listening and understanding what it is I have to say. For example, my probability of success is going be higher on a weekend afternoon than at the end of start the week or at the end of a long day. Little organizational details like this can have a big impact on how things will turn out.
Why?
It shouldn’t be too hard to understand why I want a better relationship with my mom and dad. I love my parents and they’ve been my greatest supporters since I was born. Other than my wife, they know me better than anyone else, and having them in my corner gives me additional strength and confidence, which is invaluable when crossing swords with a world that, at times, can be ruthless, cold and unforgiving.
While having their active support enhances my performance on both a personal and professional level, I have evolved and matured enough to have arrived at a place in my life where I can honestly say l don’t need it. I am not saying I don’t want their support. It’s just that it’s no longer essential for my ability to thrive. But I also want their grandchildren to feel the same love and support that I received from my grandparents. My memories with them are some of the ones I hold most dear.
How?
Much of what I’ve already written gets into the “how” of solving this particular problem, but from a logistical standpoint, I will need to organize myself even further than answering the 5WH. I’ve already stated how important this all is, so I now need to conclude how much time time I can dedicate to this during a given day, month or year.
Yes, it certainly is a priority, but how does it rank against things like spending time with my wife and Hazel, and running my business? We are welcoming our second daughter into the world very soon; is this really the right time? How do I hold myself accountable when there are literally a couple dozen other things that can take my attention away from solving this problem. Lastly, how will I feel if I make little to no progress?
Some of the challenges we face in life are simple and call for simple solutions. Others, like reconciling your parents’ divorce, are hard, emotional and complex. Regardless of difficulty, we’re always better positioned to overcome our challenges when we organize ourselves. This process of asking basic questions, like the ones I asked myself at the end of the year, is one way we can succeed. And at the very least, we know we are trying.