Since Ben started day care, I’ve been trying to adjust to being what people call a “working mom”. Balancing work, family and a personal life (I finally got a haircut last weekend as it had been 6 months since my last one) has been a challenge. I consider myself to be in survival mode right now. Not thriving or even coasting yet but just getting through each day.
One Day at a Time
The things I want to accomplish in a day are small. I’m just focusing on the bare minimum. In the mornings, it starts with getting myself dressed and ready for work and hopefully breakfast (or at least a breakfast bar to eat on the train). Then it’s getting Ben fed, his bottles packed and dressed for the day. Andrew and I juggle who has Ben depending on who is closer to being ready to go. At work, I can focus on more things but even then, a part of my brain is always thinking about when he should be eating and how naps are going.
At the end of the day, it’s getting home on the train (hopefully without issues – looking at you NJ Transit), picking up Jeter from doggy day care and Ben from his. Then once we are home, finding something to eat for dinner. Lately we have been cooking more on weekends so that we don’t really have to cook on weeknights. We don’t usually get home until 6:45 so we juggle taking care of Jeter and Ben. Cooking a full meal isn’t really on the table right now. After that it’s any chores that can be done quickly, feeding Ben whenever he is due to eat and putting him to bed.
That is a typical day for us and I imagine most families where both parents go to work and especially those that commute longer distances. It is difficult, and we only have one kid to manage!
Luckily, I have some new Mom friends that I can talk to and commiserate with about the challenges of being a new Mom. I want to address a few things that we are all talking about:
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Every Mom is a “working” Mom.
Whether you actually go to an office, work from home or are at home with your child/children, you are doing work. For those of us that went back to an office after maternity leave, that at times, has felt easier than that first month at home with the baby. Infants are a lot of work and yes, it is repetitious work, but they do grow and change, and you have new challenges each day. Nothing about being a Mom is easy. It is all hard work.
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Leaving your child at day care is painful.
My friends and I recently shared with each other the challenges of day care. One friend said that she cried multiple times for the first week her son was at day care, but it has gotten better. Another friend is going to go back to work soon and is already anxious about having her child in day care. Being in the middle, I have gotten to hear that it will get easier and been able to assure my other friend that yes, you will cry that first week, and some the second week, but maybe not the third week.
I cried the weekend before Ben’s first day of day care and every day that week because I missed him. And I’m not alone. It is really hard for a lot of new Moms to leave their child. I worked hard to create him and raise him for the first 3 months of his life. Now, I just have to drop him off to be cared for by strangers?
But I enjoy working so we must have child care. I like that my job allows me to do so many different things and use my knowledge and skills. Going back to the office that first week was strange because everything there was mostly the same, but I was different. At work I’m not just a Mom. I’m much more than that and I think it has been good for me to keep that part of myself defined as I adjust to the new normal.
I am still working on building trust with day care to care for my son, but we needed childcare and this was the best option we found. I’m glad he is being socialized. I know that in the end he will learn how to interact with other kids and learn faster than he would at home with me all day. But for now, dropping him off in the morning is my least favorite time of day.
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It is different for Dads.
Yes, Dad you love your child, but you will never have the same emotions about this as Mom. Mom carried him with her for so long and both physically and emotionally she has changed. Our brains literally changed when we had the baby. So Dad, please understand that this time will be very hard for us and know that we need your support now more than ever. Know that we will adjust but will never be totally comfortable with the situation. No one will take as good of care of our baby as we will.
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I value our time in the evenings and weekends more than ever.
All I want to do is cuddle and hold him when I come home each day. But some things still need to get done around the house, so I have to let him nap in his crib instead of in my arms. Sometimes I get frustrated that I can’t keep up with the to do list or get enough things done on the weekend. I’m still trying to find the balance of spending time with Ben and keeping the house from looking like a total disaster. P.S. This is also why I asked for a robot vacuum for the holidays…Momma needs a break from vacuuming. A furry dog + baby = mess everywhere
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It is exhausting.
I was thinking the other day that I don’t think I’ve slept through the night since May. Yes, Ben was born in July, but in that last trimester of pregnancy most women are up at least once during the night if not multiple times. All the pregnant ladies know what I’m talking about!
I am a person that needs my sleep. Well…needed sleep. Eight hours used to be a decent night but ten on a weekend was great. Now, I’m lucky to get 4 hours straight with a 3 ½ -month-old. I can usually get another 2 at best on week days after the 3 am feeding, but the months of broken sleep have changed me. My husband and I now have conversations that consist of mostly, pointing, mumbling or saying “you know, that thing at that place”. Words can be hard to come by at the end of the day. I’m amazed that this post sounds coherent. Thanks caffeine!
My patience is thinner than it once was. I would consider myself a fairly patient person, but the exhausting has shortened my patience. That includes getting frustrated when driving in the car or waiting in line somewhere or even with Andrew sometimes. It is not the person I want to be so I’m actively working on it since I don’t know when the sleep will improve.
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“Me time” doesn’t exist anymore.
There is very little I do these days for myself or my husband. We celebrated our 3-year wedding anniversary recently and went to dinner while my sister babysat Ben. It was only the second time we had gone out without him. So far, we have only let family babysit him while we go for a dinner close by because I don’t really trust too many other people with him yet.
Almost everything I do now is for Ben or just to keep things moving forward for us as a family. Whether its dishes, vacuuming or laundry, Andrew and I are both trying to keep our heads above water on the household chores.
Finally getting my haircut was one of the few things I have done for myself since he was born. Going to Target alone only counts as half because I am usually going to pick up something for Ben. I think it will take a while before I can really do things for myself again like exercise or anything fun. Downtime is so little that any of it gets filled. I also am not making it a priority. I could tell Andrew that he is in charge of Ben on a given day because I’m going out to do something, but then mom-guilt kicks in. I’m leaving my son to do something for myself that isn’t necessary.
The only consistent thing I do for myself is the Junior League. I am a member of the local chapter so I have a meeting once a month and then events from time to time. It is something that I do to participate in my community and make friends with other women. It is the one thing that I do prioritize because it is something I value, but even then my participation isn’t great.
My husband is much better at making time to things he wants to do though. He’s played tennis with a friend and hit golf balls at the driving range. I think this goes back to the idea that Mom is different than Dad. How we think and feel about the baby is biologically different. It can be harder for women to choose themselves over the child. I know he misses Ben when he’s gone, but the guilt that some Moms feel isn’t there.
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But I love being a Mom and wouldn’t change it.
Ok, there might be a few things I would change. It would be nice to get more sleep or have someone else clean the house every now and then, but that is a #firstworldproblem. I always knew I wanted to be a Mom one day. As exhausting, stressful and tear-filled as the days can be, I love Ben and his smile makes it all worth it. Even at 3am when all I want to do is to get him back to sleep so I can go back to sleep, when he looks up at me and smiles, my heart just melts.